Berkley Center

Shakespeare wrote that love is blind. Hartley Coleridge asked if love is a fancy or a feeling. St. John asserted that God is love. American culture‘s emphasis on romantic love, even perhaps to the point of obsession, is reflected in our social media, movies, politics, music, and even holidays. Love and its expression are very much a part of our daily lives.

Before coming to China I had a relatively limited understanding of the Chinese concept of love, dating, and marriage. My understanding had primarily been shaped by a limited number of romantic comedies, dramas, novels, and poems. In all of these mediums love was portrayed much in the same way as in the United States: a fairytale romance—handsome male woos and wins beautiful female.

However, two events prior to my departure caused me to question my assumption that the American and Chinese conceptions of love were so similar. The first was a story that a Chinese professor shared with our class about her adolescent years. She told us that her parents never showed physical affection to each other or to her, and even encouraging or affirming words were rarely heard. I later heard similar stories from other Chinese.

However, at the time I found her story particularly interesting because in my community it was not uncommon to embrace a teacher or other authority figure, much less family and friends. The second event was a friend’s mother who was very eager for her to start dating. It seemed to me that her main concern was not whether or not this lack caused my friend to be unhappy, but that she was not gaining dating experience. It reminded me of high school when the prospect of completing college applications motivated a number of students to participate in student organizations solely for the sake of being able to add it to their résumés.

Despite these experiences, my impression was that love was the key component of romantic relationships in China. Consequently, I was very much surprised by the reality I encountered after coming to China.

The first surprise was parents who sit in public parks with their children’s pictures and other information to try to make a match. I suppose it is like eHarmony without the technology. For me as an American, I struggle to understand the logic behind this activity. Of course American parents often have some influence their children’s romantic lives, particularly if their sons and daughters are still financially dependent. However, the level of proactive involvement was unexpected.

The second surprise was the popularity of dating television shows. 我们约会吧 (Take Me Out) and 非诚勿扰 (If You Are the One) are good examples. Among my friends, both Chinese and international and both guys and girls, the second show in particular has an almost magnetic quality. Having watched it myself, it differs from The Bachelor and its spinoffs as the whole drama plays out in a single episode. 24 women. One man. It is also based on the contestant’s video clips and answers as there is comparatively little interaction between the contestant and the prospective dates. Its initial popularity can be attributed to a couple of highly controversial contestants. One female contestant in particular is notorious for the following quote: "宁可在坐宝马车里哭，也不要坐在自行车上笑 " ("I’d rather be crying in the back of a BMW than laughing on the back of a bicycle.")

This quote incited backlash against the show for promoting questionable morals. It also caused many to question whether her comment was indicative of Chinese young people’s changing attitude toward love.

While some criticize her for being mercenary, some would argue that it was merely a pragmatic opinion. In today’s world, money, fame, and power are very attractive characteristics in a potential mate. In Chinese there is also a saying for the ideal qualities in a date: for males they are 高帅富 (tall, handsome, rich) and for females 白富美 (white, rich, beautiful). However, in both cases, wealth is generally the most important.

According to a friend who has been living in China for the past three years, in a relationship where the financial situations of both parties is unbalanced, the wealthier of the two has control. If the other person refuses to comply with his or her wishes, they can be easily replaced by someone who will. While this view may seem cynical, it is not particularly surprising. After all, our politics also reflect this opinion: countries with money (developed nations) can and do impose their policy on less prosperous ones.

Further, I believe her statement and the subsequent discussion reveal a deeper cultural difference between the United States and China in regards to the purpose of marriage, which in turn in Chinese society causes dating to be viewed in a more serious light.

In Chinese society there is a strong emphasis placed on history. I am who I am because of my parents. They are who they are because of their parents. Time is vertical, not horizontal. Consequently, when choosing a mate, the input of parents (and grandparents) cannot be flippantly ignored. A person must also consider his or her future children. Marriage is a social contract between two families, not just between two individuals. Americans also have these considerations, but there seems to be a greater emphasis placed on the implications for the lovers themselves.

Thus, according to one of my Chinese professors, a financially stable and mutually beneficial relationship is preferable to one defined by romance. Romance is seen as more of a wish than a requirement. This appears to be at odds with the American preference for passion over practicality.

The focus on sexuality in Chinese society is also much less overt, although this attitude is changing, particularly among college students. In fact, many of them have been greatly influenced by Western, particularly American, movies and music. A friend of mine who has been living in Chongqing City mentioned that some of his friends believe that the average American’s life is as privileged and cavalier as that of the characters in Gossip Girl. A couple of acquaintances in Xi’an wanted to know if our lives are anything like Grey’s Anatomy.

It is, of course, implausible to generalize that utility motivates all Chinese young people to date and marry, and there are Americans and those from other nations whose choice is largely influenced by the prospect of “marrying money”; however, in a nation as competitive as China (which is also suffering from a gender imbalance), it will be interesting to see how the question of money influences young people’s romantic decision-making.