Michelle Vanderwist on the Family Norms for Young Adults in Chile

By: Michelle Vanderwist

December 9, 2009

My host family in Santiago technically consists of my mother and my two host brothers, aged 22 and 26. Sometimes, though, it feels like Carolina, the 22-year-old's girlfriend, is part of the family as well. When she's over (very often), she cooks and cleans and picks up after her boyfriend, to the point where it seems like Gonzalo (my host brother) basically has two mothers. As part of the family dynamic in Chile, this arrangement is very common. I've learned a lot about the ways in which family norms differ from the customary arrangements and relationships in the United States, and after several months here I have also become familiar with the reasons behind these dynamics.

When teenagers graduate high school in the United states, many go on to college, and they usually live in dorms there and begin to learn independence. By their mid-twenties, most U.S. "kids" have moved into their own place and begun a life of their own, separate from their parents (who may still provide monetary support but usually have a much more reduced role in their child's life than they had previously). In Chile, however, it is not uncommon for kids to live at home past age 30, and in some cases even after marriage. University students live at home (there are not really "dorms" as we know them in the United States) and commute to their classes each day using cars or public transportation. They don't typically get their own place until they are married and have a spouse to share it with.

While their children are still living at home, no matter what their ages, the Chilean mothers continue to care for them in much the same way they did when the children were 10: although my brothers were in their twenties and completely capable of mundane chores, my host mother cooked all their meals, made their beds, washed their clothes, and took care of them in a way that seemed like "babying" to me, since I was used to doing most of that for myself ever since I started college. Gonzalo, the 22-year-old, demonstrated the transition that men there make from home life to marriage, since his girlfriend was starting to take care of him alongside his host mother, whose role she will probably eventually assume. Carolina cuts his meat for him at lunch, and even goes so far as to wipe out his "eye boogers" when she notices that he has gunk in the corners of his eyes. Not every girlfriend, nor every mother, goes as far as my family did, but to some extent this is present in nearly every Chilean household. Independence does happen eventually, but it typically comes at a much later age than it does for kids in the United States.

Part of the reason behind this is economic. There is not a lot of space in Santiago, and housing is expensive--especially for young students who have just graduated high school. To save money, they attend their classes and begin their careers while living at home, and later move into their own once they have a fiancé or a spouse and have made enough money to afford it.

Another reason for this late independence is cultural. The Chilean society is one in which the mother is the center of the household, stemming from a cultural worship of the Virgin Mary as a universal "mother figure." Mothers are not bothered by their duties, and in fact define themselves principally by their role as mamá, delighting in household responsibilities and taking care of their children, regardless of age. To Chileans, being a mother is a role to be proud of, and it has become a cultural norm to maintain this nurturing role as long as possible. It follows, then, that the duty of taking care of a man changes hands gradually from his mother to his girlfriend, who then becomes his wife and continues the tradition. While it is becoming more common for women to hold day jobs and the society is no longer as reliant on stay-at-home mothers, the mothers still hold a very obviously powerful position in the household, and there is an expectation that they will take care of their children and their husband at any age.

At first I was perplexed by the fact that my 26-year-old brother still had his mother cleaning his room, and I was confused as to why Gonzalo's girlfriend was more like a second mother. After learning about the cultural significance of the Virgin Mary and the economic reasons behind these different family dynamics, however, I can understand why Chile is so different from the United States. It's not a disgrace to still live at home at age 30; instead, it is a mark of financial responsibility, as well as a way for the mother to feel like she is doing her job.

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