Berkley Center

Hon. Greg Saldivar: So I was 44. The drinking got really out of hand, and it was affecting my family. So my wife gave the ultimatum, "You either give up the bottle, or give up the family." And I didn't want to give up my family, so I gave up the bottle. Reluctantly. So I reluctantly went down to local hospital and enrolled in the intense outpatient rehab program because I didn't want anybody to know what was going on. I could go to work, go there after work, and do my thing. Hated it there. So there's a doctor there who was a crusty old guy and he examined me just peripherally and he said, "You're dying." I said, "What do you mean I'm dying?" He goes, "Your liver, it's just swollen three times the size it should be. And I'm putting you in SLE." Which is sober living environment. I said, "No, you're not. You don't know who I am. I sentence people."

At that time I was working as a judge. "I sentence people to SLE." So he goes, "I know you are, you're an effing drunk who's going to effing die real soon." And I got down my knees and I started crying. That was the beginning. So he goes, "I'm going to be watching you like hawk." He goes, "I'm going to watch you like a hawk. I promise..." He goes, "I'm going to make a deal with you. You do everything your counselor tells you to do, or you're going to this SLE." And I said, "Oh, okay." So she told me, she says, "You write a letter..." She goes, "You have a lot of resentments towards your father." I said, "Yeah, he's dead." She goes, "I want you to write a letter to him telling him how you feel." I said, "But he's dead." She goes, "Write it, or I'm telling the doctor." So I wrote a three-page letter to my dad and it was just chock full of, "You never told me you loved me. You never showed me any affection in public." You did this, you did that, you...

And then the last paragraph was, "But you know, dad, I never told you I loved you either."

I still have that letter.

Mary McLane: Wow. What a revelation to yourself.

Hon. Greg Saldivar: And that was it. That was what just really impacted me, resonated with me. I mean, I did that on my own in a way. And the problem was not with him, it was with me and my reaction to him.

Mary McLane: Sure. Your interpretation of what he was doing.

Hon. Greg Saldivar: And I still talk to him.

Mary McLane: Oh gosh. I love that. I have to say, I talk to my mom every day as well.

Hon. Greg Saldivar: Yeah. Yeah. I talk to him.

Mary McLane: Gosh.

Hon. Greg Saldivar: I always say, I wish he was alive to see my sons and my daughter graduate from college, my daughter to go to law school here.

Mary McLane: But so then tell me about more of your transition. A spiritual component to it?

Hon. Greg Saldivar: Yeah. There was a huge spiritual component to it because prior to that, I was selfish and self-centered, and controlling and angry. All of the character defects that a lot of people experience, and especially alcoholics or addicts, experience that to the nth degree because it's all about us and nobody else.

Mary McLane: And not taking responsibility for any of it?

Hon. Greg Saldivar: Not taking responsibility at all. What's wrong with you? It's your fault, not mine. You treated me this way. You did me wrong. Okay. So after about a year of sobriety, and it was tough, really tough, I expected everybody to welcome me back with open arms. People ask me, when did you make that transition spiritually? The spiritual transition was gradual for me. However, I became a believer in the power of miracles, and of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself about a year later. I go to my primary physician for a physical, and he was after me all the time. Like, "Hey, think about stopping drinking for about 30 days."

Mary McLane: So he didn't push you the way the other doctor did?

Hon. Greg Saldivar: He did not. So about a year later, I go back for the exam, after a year of sobriety. And he goes, "Wow. Your numbers are unbelievable because your liver, your enz... Everything's just down. They're normal. Because this is a medical miracle." And I said, "I don't think it's a medical miracle. I think it's another kind of miracle."